I am weaker physically, my focus and concentration is a bit off and I've been terribly edgy. I must admit though that I have been extremely lucky, of course, not to feel nauseated nor have I vomited but there are other things that are beginning to creep into my being that I'm not comfortable with.
First, I was agitated Monday, the day before treatment this week because I had planned for a relatively quite day of rest and movies when both the telephone and door bell wouldn't stop ringing. Friends and family members, who are all generally concerned with my health, called or simply dropped by to say hello and then naturally ask that question I'm beginning to detest... "soooo... how are you feeling today?"
Who in there right mind would say... "terrible, I'm weak, my head is aching and I'm generally in a bitchy mood, but thanks for asking".
No, instead, with a smile on my face and sense of 'I can do this' I lead with a quick "not bad" followed by a "I'm a little weak but I'll get by." The problem with being under the weather is that nobody wants to be under the weather. We all want the normal routine to continue. We all want for our lives to go on. When we are sick for just a few days, say with the flu, we simply grin and bear it and we all know that the flu will eventually go away.
But when you get into a situation like the one I am currently in you're not sure, or pretty not so sure, that it is going to go away. I've finally realized that I'm going to be sick with this Chemo feeling for another number of weeks. And of course all this starts to play on your mind.
As for the friends and family, I'm not saying to stay away or stop calling at all, but instead thank you for thinking and caring about me. As I stated I don't like the way my mind is playing games on my general being. This is not about you. It's about me. I love visitors. I hate having cancer.
I'm also not comfortable with not being there for Trent. I had to miss being on the bench for his first box lacrosse game of the year in Clarington Tuesday. I was simply too tired after my treatment earlier that day to contribute as the teams trainer so I told Trent before the game that I wouldn't be on the bench. He looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes and said "it's OK Dad" but still he seemed a little disappointed. It's that feeling which hurts more than the six I.V. needle attempts in the arm I had early in treatments. It's that feeling that makes me detest the cancer even more.
And finally, I not comfortable with being unmotivated. We have a treadmill in the basement. I should be on it every second day getting some exercise to strengthen my immune system and stay in shape. But I'm not. I have a bicycle in the garage. I haven't rode it once in three weeks. Lance Armstrong rode his bike everyday when he had cancer and went through chemo. I read his book. What the hell is wrong with me? Get motivated. I don't know what it is but the chemo is fogging my mind a bit when it comes to what can I do. There is so much to do around the house. I want to get the pool open for the season. There is laundry, dishes, re-coating the lane way, but I simply don't have the energy. This whole thing sucks.
I've been off work for five weeks now and you know what? I miss it. Believe it or not but I miss my fellow employees, my sport contacts and my routine. I went into work yesterday to say hi to those in the office. It was a short visit but it was a tough visit just the same. All of these 'can't dos' start to build up and it's tough on the mind. I suppose it's just another battle that has to be won in the fight against cancer for all of us with the disease.
Tuesday, my friend Bill Duff took me to Toronto for my 4th day of treatment. Bill is a fantastic guy who would do anything for me if I asked. In fact, he's much like all my friends. It's great to have friends like Bill who offer to drive you to Chemo. It's certainly not a fun day for anyone, especially the driver, who has to come in a watch the faces of those sick at Princess Margaret.
The day went smooth with only two people to wait for in front of me to give blood. We then had a light snack before heading up to wait for approximately an hour before I was called in to unit 4 for treatment. My nurse was Anda, from Romania, was the same person who finally hit the mark after six I.V. attempts during my second chemo treatment. She said she didn't remember that day but I certainly did. I knew Anda would hit the mark first try and she did.
After the regular hour of treatment was over Bill and I were on our way home again. Another day of worry, fear and a constant reminder of my brutal disease was over. All I had to look forward too was the yucky feeling of being sleepy, agitated and grumpy for the next two weeks. All of which will subside before my next treatment on June 10. I'm officially done my second cycle and so I don't have to return to PMH until June 10 so my body can re-cooperate reproducing good cells destroyed by the chemo and getting rid of the bad cancer cells though human waste.
I know... I might have crossed the line with that one but with every poop I have to believe the cancer is getting exactly what it deserves. A flush right down the toilet.
Thanks for reading and sharing...
Next Blog - A New Cycle... June 10, 2008